The Internal Monitor

Greetings Everyone!

Maybe you have one, too.  If you don't, congratulations!  If you recognize yourself in this post, we may be learning together how to release a pattern so old, so ingrained, that we hardly know we have an option.

Only recently I've become aware that I am in a nearly constant state of reviewing life; what has just happened, what still lies on my plate to be done, what I might do better, etc.  My internal monitor is in motion a good deal of the time.

Meditation is a time when I release it.  Sleep is a release, and when I am engrossed in something productive or entertaining I give my monitor a break - I give myself a break.  This is probably one of the reasons we become involved in addictive behaviors, whether that manifests as alcoholism, excessive spending, drugs, or any of the many other addictions we've created as a means to shut off the monitor.  Because it's a haunting condition from which we need a break, we may seek out a behavior that provides the relief. Of course, the addictive behavior becomes another trigger for the internal monitor, and so it goes.

I could call it self-consciousness, but that doesn't seem to describe the way it now feels to me.  It now feels like an on-running addiction of its own; as if we really don't know how to function without it.  It feels like a control mechanism, as if to release it means losing a comfort like a security blanket.

Becoming aware of this inborn mechanism, I realize how much energy is invested in reviewing and assessing my life, all running like an old vinyl record with a scratch in it, repeating, repeating and keeping my brain occupied with energy-consuming ritual.

I don't mean to downplay the benefits that can come from the internal monitor.  It has helped me recognize patterns in my life that could be changed for my benefit.  It helps me sometimes realize by sharing information about my life that I might otherwise miss.  It's the repetition and judgement that steal my peace.  

How might we change this consuming pattern which can make us more self-conscious?  My current assessment is that any of that, now, could be channeled  through Mind instead of brain chatter. The Wisdom of Mind knows and will follow our direction, our intention to change the pattern.  First, it means identifying whether it is a personal pattern.  Then if it is, like changing any behavior, when I identify it, in that moment I break the thought with a deep breath. Repeat this technique long enough and we can feel the relief and the benefit of channeling that energy for more constructive pursuits.

That's it for now.  As I process this constructively, I may have more to share and I thank you for the audience you provide that prompts me to self-discovery.  In this instance, I can feel increased freedom simply knowing the internal monitor exists and can be altered.  I wish us all increasing peace.

Amen,
Phyllis